"Communication with separated families"

Child is an immunology outpatient. I am their stepmum and attended the initial appointment alongside their mother.

A few months later, both parents received a letter advising of a follow up appointment via phone call. On the day, our child's father waited and waited but the call never came. Turns out, they only contacted our child's mother. Unfortunately, at the time our child's mother was incredibly unwell and not able to fully participate in the conversation. She passed on information to us as best she could, but we weren’t able to make any sense of it, aside from the fact that our child needed a vaccination. No understanding of when, where or what. A month later, our child's father received a letter from the hospital but as he wasn’t part of the phone conversation we weren’t able to make much sense of it.

Now the vaccination is overdue. We only know because our child's mum missed a call from the hospital. Neither parent has the time to take our child as they work full time, so it falls to me as I’m the only one who has time to get it done before school goes back. Our child also needs a follow up blood test, which only their Mum was sent the pathology form for.

I know the hospital have the Dad’s contact details, as his address is listed as the primary address, and if Mum doesn’t answer, they call him. I’ve also took our child there for an unrelated emergency (prior to the phone appointment), and provided his details so I know for a fact they have them.

I called the switchboard today (as it’s the weekend) to try and gain some clarification. I asked why only the mother is contacted when the father is responsible for 50% of their care. I was told they normally only call the NOK, but both parents were listed as NOK. He said it’s basically up to the nurses to choose who they want to call, and would probably only call Dad if Mum didn’t answer. He was lovely, and I know it’s not his fault, but it is super frustrating. He said all he could do is add a note requesting that our child's father is contacted too, but it’s still up to the nurses.

How are we meant to provide required care to my stepchild if we have no idea what is happening? Luckily we have a good relationship with the mother, but what about all the children that don’t have that? What about the children that have parents with volatile relationships? Or the parents who weaponise their children against each other? Even though we have a great relationship - how is treating the father as a backup option in the best interests of our child's care?