"My Recovery Journey"

My story begins when I hit rock bottom. My addiction had led me to a point that I had found myself being incarcerated 3 times in 2 years. The final time for 22 months. This proved pivotal, as I was on a permanent residence visa, having come into the country 50 years ago on my mother's passport. My alcohol and substance abuse had left me stripped of my marriage, career, and potentially my life in Australia.

With assistance, I have been able to identify that my substance and alcohol abuse was merely a symptom, not my problem at all. In the last years I have been given guidance to discover the actual centre of my troubled existence and the ability to face those things in my life that led me into a spiral of addiction.

While I've been sober now for almost 900 days, the pieces of my puzzle were finally helped into place by the staff at Lives Lived Well, Woollongong. I have participated in the Day Program and "Recognise, Reflect, Respect" Men's Behaviour Change Program.

I have found the staff welcoming, understanding, and have never felt that I was being judged for my past. They have always been accommodating to my situation, where I find myself still in detention, awaiting a decision whether I'm to be deported from Australia or not. I realise that while I have paid a high price for my behaviour, I now have an awareness of how hurting myself also hurt those around me that cared for me. Never feeling good enough led me to make choices that were not good for me. Seeking acceptance and validation from others whom I shouldn't have been getting approval from. People who didn't have my best interest at heart. I tried to fill my emptiness with a spirit that came in a bottle.

As many others, I had to lose what I had before I realised the value of what I had. All I can say is that its never too late to make a change. While I've felt beat at times, its not until we're really tested do we realise our strength. I'm worth it. So are YOU! Don't give up on yourself! I saw so much in myself that I didn't like. That's one of the tough things I had to face, That I wasn't perfect. I'd like to share that with you, because no one is perfect. I'm still uncovering who I am after 60 years.

I used to live by other people's standards of what they expected of me. Let me tell you... it's unsustainable. I broke. Detached myself from the feelings of helplessness and abandonment with drugs and alcohol. Leaving myself more isolated and misunderstood. I only started to heal when I connected the fact that when I have a substance on board I stop my abilities. I don't perceive other's actions or situations correctly, so I make inappropriate responses.

Also I stop my ability to respond at all in a coherent way. All I'm doing is pushing myself further down. But, it's hard to see it for what it is when you're in the middle of it. I believed that no one cared, and that people were around me for what they could get, not for who I was. I WAS WRONG! I was reflecting my lack of self worth onto others. I had to value myself before I could see what others could see. Not easy, but not impossible. My journey is not over. It's not been pretty. I'd like to say to you DON'T GIVE UP! Keep going until you find people to help you who are the right fit for you. I feel that I finally have. I'm convinced that once you find your true guides, your journey becomes a whole lot easier! I know that I'll carry the better me into the future, and leave behind the unnecessary.