"My birth story"

I originally planned to birth at the Family Birth Centre where all my prenatal appointments conducted there with the same midwife. My original midwife was also pregnant and unfortunately stopped working and handed us over to a new midwife at the end of my pregnancy. My labour started at midnight and we went into the birth centre to get checked an hour later- I was a few cm's dilated and was told to go home to rest (only to come back 1hr later).

I requested the gas as soon as I entered the birth room, and after 1.5hrs of labouring (which I found very difficult with no support from the midwife) I said “I can't do this”, to which the midwife replied well, for starters, I wasn’t even using the gas right. This made me feel very frustrated - I was already panicking and then to be told I was using the gas incorrectly (why wasn't I corrected earlier?) really made me feel unsettled.

I continued to labour in the shower with my partner. The midwife would often enter the bathroom, using the torch light on their phone, shine it in my face, attempt to complete internal exams mid contraction and whenever I would open my eyes and look up, they would be standing in front of me with their arms folded, watching me. I received little to no encouragement or direction for breathing, positioning or to keep me calm. I recall, from across the bathroom, the midwife asked me how am I going, which I found to be a strange question considering the amount of discomfort I was in.

My partner was freezing cold (as they were assisting me in the shower), and tried to look for a blanket for themselves but couldn't find one (surely the midwife could have observed this and offered assistance).

Whenever the midwife communicated with me I would almost immediately vomit and start to panic.

We got out of the shower, and the midwife had set up some pillows/wedges on the floor and I wasn't sure how to position myself on them, so I asked for some direction, to which I received little support so ended up leaning on my partner and just focused on them.

About every hour I would exclaim that “I can't do this" and asked to be transferred to the main part of King Eddies for an epidural. I felt like I was being ignored and that my pain was not validated. My partner told me that the midwife pulled them out into the corridor and asked if an epidural was really what I wanted. The midwife told my partner that if we left the birth centre it would be a different experience, bright lights etc, and would be about an hour or so before I actually received an epidural and the baby would be close by then, and that they thought I was doing fine. My partner felt already overwhelmed at this point and felt like they couldn't make a rational decision, so opted to agree with the recommendation of the midwife.

I continued to state that I wanted to be transferred to the main hospital, so that was arranged and the second midwife, Molly came up with us. Molly was encouraging, direct and I felt very supported and safe with her.

I was discharged a couple of days post birth but stayed on the ward a few additional days as my baby was unwell. After the birth, the midwife visited our hospital room (a few days post) and appeared reserved and quiet. It seemed they did not interact with my baby at all, stood across the room from me and asked a couple of broad questions. I stated something about my bleeding, and no follow up questions were asked or I was not checked/examined. I had a 3rd degree tear, and there was little questioning asked about my recovery and the site was not looked at. I felt like this visit was unnecessary, cold and only done of requirement to tick a box.

A brief follow up phone call was conducted (5 mins), followed by a very short home visit (purely to check baby's weight). There was no screening or discussion around my physical or mental health.

I was then discharged from the Family Birth Centre and was left feeling like I was not supported through my labour and rushed through the postnatal period. I strongly believe if I had a different midwife in my labour, I would have had a very different experience, not left feeling scared about birth.