"Caring for my mum"

My 94 year old mum last year was in a hospital and told that she could not return to her home in Perth but needed to be in a nursing home. As a family we decided it would be better for mum to move to our home in Goomalling. Mum came and settled in. Her health improved a little in that she started going for little walks, enjoyed reading books again, started doing word puzzles and loved it when friends would pop in to say hello. We arranged carers for mum and she formed some beautiful friendships with some of these ladies Time past and mum gradually became unwell due to her age, medical issues and being so very tired of not being able to live and do what she wanted. She basically had had enough.  

There were issues towards the end with the care provider insisting on her being in a hospital and our amazing doctor standing by my side and saying the best place for mum was here with me. Our Dr put us into the hands of Palliative Care unit in Northam. My first contact was with Garth, when he spent one afternoon on the phone with me patiently explaining what was going to happen to mum, the process of dying, how this service could assist me and was also agreeing that the best place for mum was in our home with me. He shared that I needed to explain everything he had told me with my older siblings. Which I did. My siblings were happy for mum to stay here but wished for mum to eventually move back to Perth.  

Garth arranged to come to our home to bring a hospital bed for mum, which was like one of the best pieces of equipment in our home for mum’s comfort. The other seemingly useless item was the plastic slide sheet, what an incredible helpful item that is.  

I was in constant contact with our Dr and Garth from then on. My sister would come to talk with Garth and my brother listened in via telephone. Garth explained that he felt if it was a family decision to move mum then it should be done now. He was open, honest with what he said, listened to what we all had to say and made sure we all understood that there were no right nor wrong decisions. Only if it was decided to move mum, then do it now.  

Mum was starting to be in a lot of pain, struggled to get out of bed, found eating difficult and could do very little herself. Her determination in still using a commode just showed me what a strong, independent, fiercely dignified lady she was.  It also showed me what type of husband I had. He helped me whenever I needed it and I know when we say ‘I do’ assisting your mother-in-law on a commode and helping to bathe her is not in the vows.

Garth went through mums medication for me and  was able to eventually get rid of everything with our Dr’s input. He was able to organise pain medication which mum did not have to swallow. This over time, was increased and the relief on mums face was just beautiful. Though she was not talking a lot, her face was no longer etched with pain and you could tell instantly when more needed to be administered. There were even a couple of times mum wanted a shower and as one of those days was a Sunday, she knew bacon and eggs were on the menu for breakie and enjoy them she did.  

Throughout this period there were family deliberations on where mum should be.  

During this time, Garth was so supportive to me. He kept in constant contact, or arranged for me to have contact with other people who could listen, advise and be supportive. He never wavered from his belief in me. He kept reassuring me that this is what happens when someone is dying.  I always remembered our very first conversation and everything he told me would happen, happened. He was right also in saying there are no time frames but the process is similar. He always made me feel that anything I said was intelligent, even though I knew sometimes I was babbling through tears and there was no way he could have understood a word I was saying. He never rushed any conversation, he never said he would do something, then not do it. He was astute with reading between the lines with my family issues.  For me, Garth was my land angel who walked into my life with a purpose and he has my gratitude, love and respect.

My beautiful mum did pass away, peacefully when she was by herself but surrounded with family and love. She knew it was time to go be with Dad and her beloved daughter. Her face was so very serene, like she had had the best life.  

The only moment I felt useless was when mum died. I didn’t know what to do. It was too early in the morning to ring anyone. We rang the local hospital, thinking that at least we wouldn’t be waking anyone and they said they would ring us straight back, as they were unsure as well.  We decided to have a cuppa with mum. We rang again an hour later but they still didn’t know what to do and suggested we ring our Dr. We did later on and our Dr was compassionate and very caring. This is not a criticism of anyone, just the one thing that I didn’t know what to do. 

It is painful and difficult for us and I think like in the past, time will teach us to put on our masks in public. Eventually we will be able to leave those at home and go live our life, carrying our loved ones, either here or in heaven, always with us.