"My introduction appointment"

I had been sent a referral by my GP to have an interview at CAMHS, for more support and advice on my ongoing situation of mental health. I have previously been to CAMHS a few years ago and did not receive the support I was promised. I had complications with the psychiatrist and felt I was in a battle to get my story across. I felt they had always turned me down or ignored my thoughts. I left CAMHS, refusing not to go back. But now, as my GP requested, I decided to go back to CAMHS and try again.

I was hoping for a different psychiatrist. Not long after I waited, a staff member introduced themselves to me. I was escorted to a room with my grandparent. We sat down, telling the staff member about my case and showing them the paperwork my doctor had printed out for CAMHS. I don’t even think the staff member read the paperwork. I was already uncomfortable being at CAMHS from my prior experiences but the way I was introduced made me more uncomfortable.

The staff member seemed very careless and bored by the way they presented themselves. I recall they played back in their chair, barely listening to what me and my grandparent had to say. I told them how I’ve been suffering a lot with my mental health especially since my parent passed away last year. I was young at the time. Me and my grandparent both told the staff member my parent passed away from an asthma attack. Soon after the staff member kept saying reasons my parent could have committed suicide and statistics of family members losing a love one to suicide. I was constantly correcting them about my parent’s correct death.

The staff member then asked me to speak about my thoughts, my suicidal thoughts. I asked my grandparent to leave the room, since I didn’t want them to hear me and make them upset. My grandparent was more than happy to leave the room for my comfort. The staff member asked me to explain what happened start to finish of the night my parent passed away. I went through every detail that happened that night. Visibly upset. I told them everyday I feel guilty, thinking I could have done more or better to help my parent. I still carry this guilt. The staff member then was talking about my parent’s symptoms, and telling me other ways I could have gone about to help my parent, I recall, ‘Recover better’. I told them I called my grandparent before the ambulance because we couldn’t afford the medical bills and I knew my grandparent would get there faster. The staff member shook their head and told me I was wrong for not calling the ambulance sooner, and my parent, again, could have recovered better. I started crying at this point, since I just told them I feel guilty about what I did, hoping for some reassurance and yet they only made me feel worse and I should feel guilty. The staff member didn’t even mention anything about my crying. They just carried on. Making me feel more ignored.

Throughout the entire appointment, the staff member continued to say statistics about suicide rates and how my parent committed suicide. I was so appalled by how they didn’t listen to what I said, no matter how many times I corrected them. I called my grandparent back in for paperwork they made us fill out. I recall the staff member then said, you know what, they think they can help me, it’s an easy fix. I knew I was definitely not coming back. I’ve been struggling for months and for them to just say ‘an easy fix’ made me feel so angry. My journey has never been easy. And Im not going to be in another appointment with someone who believes that this is an ‘easy fix’ when I felt the person didn’t even listen to what I had to say the entire conversation. I’m worried for other children in a similar situation that experience this poor behaviour but too scared to speak out.