"Presenting with dissociative amnesia"

I sometimes present with dissociative amnesia. I have no memory recall, no idea what I’ve done or why. I present differently every time, and I feel they should treat me differently each time. Instead, they treat me poorly based on what’s written in my records. That’s the problem.

When I get unwell, I become argumentative. I didn’t come here to upset them. I came for help. So whatever I said must’ve been a reaction to something they did.

For instance, a week later, I presented again. On the computer it must have said something because a nurse insisted on checking my bag. I asked, "Can I check your bag then?" The nurse called security and tipped out my belongings. There was hand sanitiser in there, and they took it and said because I might drink it. I don’t know where they got the idea that I might drink it. I felt their behaviour was uncalled for - when I was discharged, my belongings, including the sanitiser and my medication weren’t returned. In my opinion, that’s theft. Those items are mine. The nurse said they threw that sanitiser in the bin, and now it’s gone. Another time I stayed there, I have no memory of most of it. By the time I left, items from my bag - including pepper spray and a tactical pen - were missing. This wasn’t the first time. During that week at FSH, I lost two pepper sprays. They don’t return my belongings, and it’s incredibly frustrating.

It’s hard to tell if they’re having a bad day or if something’s been written in my file that biases them.

At Alma Street, face-to-face interactions are different from phone calls. In person, I feel there’s a level of accountability because they’re physically there, visible behind their windows. On the phone, they don’t care. My case manager works 9–4, Monday to Friday, so after hours, I have to rely on triage.

They don’t understand dissociation and amnesia. This one is the worst - when I have no memory, I don’t even know how I talk to people or what I’ve done. Sometimes they spoke to the psych team and stopped me from calling. I feel they need more education about individual cases. It’s too easy for them to dismiss it as “abuse.” But I feel I’m not abusing them. My last case manager said, “How you speak is a way of reliving trauma.” That’s what they don’t get. I talk with fear. I talk heightened. I do whatever I need to feel safe. It’s not personal - it’s survival.

Part of the issue is education and understanding. When I present physically, people can see it, even if they don’t fully comprehend it. On the phone, they don’t see that. My case manager accessed my records at FSH, but even they couldn’t see anything that would indicate why they treat me differently.

I’m all about education and change - for everyone. I just feel like I’m not being heard.