"Addiction and grief"

I have been an alcoholic and addict for the better part of about 20 years. My story started similar to most peoples with alcohol and partying, but the fun didn't last long. I slowly progressed from being a functioning addict, up until recent years where I lost control completely, and was utterly consumed by my addiction. I have had near death experiences, multiple overdoses, countless bouts of psychosis and hospital admissions, several attempts at rehab and recently a short stay in prison.

A few years ago I lost two members of my family within two months, both involving drugs/alcohol, and I believe now that I dove into a pattern of numbing all emotion. I was already so overwhelmed with self-pity, guilt, shame, resentments, fear, anxiety, regret, and trauma, that I don't think I even had the capacity to grieve, I was already just hanging on. 

My use spiralled out of control until walking into rehab around 30 days before writing this, a shattered person in every sense of the word, mentally and physically. The battles in my mind were at an end, I couldn't fight myself anymore, I told myself I would completely surrender and accept the process, something I had never honestly done before. I thought I had, but I realised in earlier attempts I was just fooling myself, I wanted to want to quit, but deep down I didn't believe I could. I was setting myself up for failure by not accepting what I needed to do, I was still looking for shortcuts were there were none.

I am sober now thanks to Lives Lived Well and The Watershed, and at the time of writing this, about to graduate from the residential rehab program in a few days. In the past month at The Watershed I have have discovered myself again, I feel I have a chance at a new life, I figured out things about myself I've never understood, learnt to deal with my emotions in a healthy way, I even laughed more than I have in years, and most importantly I learnt what I need to do going forward. I cant thank the staff at The Watershed enough as what I have got from this program is truly a gift, the kindness and compassion of the staff brings tears to my eyes and I will always be grateful. Thank you.